Waiting On A Friend

Originally posted on my blog, wordplaycrazy, October 2020.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized there are different levels of friendships. To assist you as you get older and grouchier, here is a flowchart. It’s interactive!

Tier One

Beef– Tom and Jerry, Itchy and Scratchy, Paul Pierce and a beard. You are always at odds with this person. Off rip, the thought of this person makes you snarl. You wish them nothing but destruction, mayhem, madness, miserable shit. Every bad thing possible you wish on them. You boo this n — a unprompted.

I Don’t Fuck with this N — a– Similar to beef, but less rancorous. You aren’t rooting for their downfall per se, but you don’t give a damn if something fucked up happens. You can be around each other without squabbles, but there might be a dirty look or two.

Cordial– On solid terms. Can carry on basic conversation, co habitat the same location if need be. No feelings either way.

Tier Two

High Level Cordial– Similar to cordial, but this time you root them on even if they are not in your life. You wish them good fortune, but you don’t quite trust them enough to promote them to friendship level, not yet anyway.

And now, a word on Fake Friends/Work Friends.

*Fake Friends– Hardest to identify and place on the chart. You guys are friendly and hang out in similar circles and can do things together. There is usually a genuine friend that your friendship with your fake friend is contingent upon. You don’t check on each other, but you can hang out and be on good terms.

*Work Friends– A subset of fake friends with lots of flexibility. Some of these are friends, some are friends only in the workplace. This is another one that is in the beholder’s eye on where to place.

Tier Three

Friends– You actively care about their life, rooting them on, loyal, and are there when you need a helping hand. A consistent voice in your corner, no matter what is going on. Guys hang out, brunch, take trips, genuine connection and appreciation for one another. They know where some bodies are buried, but there are limits.

Framily– Highest level of friendship. Line blurred between friends and family. They know where all the bodies are buried. You guys have been down for so long and friends for so long, virtually no conversation is off the table. You can be your true self with them. Lives, often intertwine, have lived together, things of that nature. Would take something seismic to end it.

*- feel free to move these spots around on your personal chart. Remember, this shit is interactive!